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animalstalkinginallcaps:

YOU HAVEN’T COME OUT OF THERE IN ALMOST TWO DAYS. YOU SMELL FUNNY. YOUR EYES  ARE AS RED AS MY EX’S PENIS. YOUR CRYING KEEPS THE NEIGHBORS AWAKE, AND THERE ARE ENOUGH KLEENEX ON THE FLOOR TO REVERSE ENGINEER A TREE, NOT TO MENTION YOU NEED TO GO TO WORK IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE TO BE ABLE TO AFFORD HBO.

LOOK, I LIKED RENLY TOO, OKAY? HE WOULD HAVE MADE A PRETTY GOOD KING, BUT YOU’VE GOT TO MOVE ON. THIS ISN’T HEALTHY.

T_T

animalstalkinginallcaps:

MARTY?

MARTY?

HOW THE HELL DID YOU FALL IN THAT?

I’M NOT BEING RUDE. I’M GENUINELY CURIOUS. HOW DO YOU FALL IN ANYTHING?

WE MOVE -AND I’M NOT JUST SAYING THIS, OKAY?- WE MOVE, LITERALLY, AT A SNAIL’S PACE.

… DO YOU AT LEAST HAVE INSURANCE? IS THERE SOMEONE I SHOULD CALL?

MARTY?

… MARTY?

animalstalkinginallcaps:

THAT’S RIGHT, DRAG IT. DRAG THAT LONG, SEXY ASS.

OH MY GOD, MOM. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

YOUR FATHER HAS A VERY NICE BACKSIDE. I’M COMMENTING ON IT.

THAT’S SO GROSS. YOU’RE GROSSING ME OUT. DAD, TELL HER SHE’S BEING A SICKO.

HONEY, YOU’RE BEING “A SICKO” AND UPSETTING SAMUEL WITH YOUR COMPLETELY ACCURATE REMARK ABOUT HOW GREAT MY ASS IS.

I’M NOT SORRY.

YOU HEAR THAT, CHAMP? YOUR MOTHER IS UNREPENTANT. SHE’S A WOMAN OF STRONG CONVICTIONS, AND I THINK WE SHOULD RESPECT THAT.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

OH YEAH! I’M JUST EATING LAWN CLIPPINGS! THIS IS SO VEGAN! ALL MY FRIENDS WITH BACHELOR’S AND/OR MASTER’S DEGREES WHO INEXPLICABLY WORK AT WHOLE FOODS WITH ME ARE GOING TO BE SO JEALOUS OF HOW FREAKISHLY VEGAN THIS IS!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

OH LOOK, I’VE DIED. WHAT A RELIEF. NOW I CAN FINALLY GET AWAY FROM THAT FUCKING ‘STOP KONY’ VIDEO.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

WHAT AM I DOING IN HERE, TENNISON? QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY. I OWN THIS DRAWER, LIKE I OWN THIS COMPANY, AND I WILL OCCUPY WHATEVER PORTION OF THE COMPANY I FEEL LIKE, WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE, AND UNLESS YOU CAN FIND ‘EXPLAINING MY ACTIONS TO SLACKJAWED, BUNGLING ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES’ SOMEWHERE ON MY C.V. I SUGGEST YOU SIT DOWN AT THAT DESK I GRACIOUSLY ALLOW YOU TO HAVE AND STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH YOUR BABBLE. IF I WANTED TO BE DISAPPOINTED BY YOUR SEMI-COHERENT RAMBLING I’D CALL A SALES MEETING.

NOW WHERE ARE THOSE REPORTS I ASKED FOR? 

STOP LOOKING AROUND, YOU TIT. I’M SITTING ON THEM. HOW DID YOU GET THIS JOB? AM I YOUR FATHER? DO YOU HAVE BLACKMAIL PHOTOS OF ME? CAN YOU EVEN READ, TENNISON?

I’M GOING TO GO DOWN TO 14 AND SLEEP IN THE 11”X17” PAPER TRAY IN THE COPY ROOM. I’LL BE BACK AT 3 AND I EXPECT YOU’LL HAVE THE SECOND QUARTER PROJECTIONS COMPLETED AND FAXED OVER TO MARTY.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENED ON GLEE BECAUSE I DON’T WATCH GLEE! THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HELLO, MY NAME IS MUFFINS AND I- HAHAHAHA! DID I SAY MUFFINS?! I MEANT … MELISSA, OF COURSE. MY NAME IS MELISSA AND I’M FROM THE … FOOD DEPARTMENT. THERE’S BEEN A RECALL ON ALL THE TUNA FISH. I’M JUST GOING DOOR TO DOOR COLLECTING ALL THE DELICIOUS- I MEAN BAD, OBVIOUSLY! THE BAD TUNA FISH. YES. WOULDN’T WANT ANYONE GETTING SICK.

IF YOU COULD JUST OPEN ALL THE CANS AND POUR THE TUNA INTO THIS WAGON THAT WOULD BE GREAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.